I Am Taking Care of You

The Holy Spirit echoed these words to me a week ago, as I ran in the dark, early morning hour.  And it was more than words, it was a complete, peaceful feeling that settled deep within my heart.  As I ran with the stars and sliver of moon overhead, I felt the comfort and reassurance of God’s gentle love.  It was 4 days before another half marathon and my prayer became one of total surrender, as I asked God with complete trust and confidence to give me whatever was best for me.  It is a rare, rare thing for me to ask this and to be completely fine with whatever God has in store.  Rare, because, while I may ask God to take care of me, I often find that I have my own preference, my own desire for how I want things to happen.  And that usually, unfortunately, is where I tend to lean.  But, as I said that prayer, that morning, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that whatever God had in store for me, it was the best thing for me.  I knew it then, and by God’s grace, I still know it now.

Three days later, the day before the half marathon, I developed a bad sinus infection that only grew worse the day of the race.  When I barely had enough strength to get up and make breakfast, I knew the race was out of the question.  Die hard runner that I am, this was a bit devastating for me as I had been looking forward to this race for quite some time.  But deep within my heart, there it still was.  The comforting reassurance that God was taking care of me.  It was there, burning bright, enveloping me in His love.  I didn’t read my daily devotional that day.  I stayed in my bed, barely able to function for the day.  But the next day, as my head started to clear up, I did go back and read my devotional for the day before, the day of the race.  And here was the message:

‘I am taking care of you.  Feel the warmth and security of being enveloped in My loving Presence….If you could see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never again doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you…’
–Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

I am finding that this message that God so clearly spoke to me a week ago is still alive in my heart.  As I struggle with future events, with what God’s plan is for me at this time in my life, with what my purpose is right now, God is still reminding me that He is taking care of me.  Today was one of those days where doubt and confusion really took hold of me.  So, I decided to pick up another devotional.  It is one I don’t read very often, but sits at my desk, waiting for me to pick it up.  I went to the passage I had marked as the next one to read.  And here is what God said:

Trust me here and now.  You are in rigorous training–on an adventurous trail designed for you alone.  This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you.  I am doing things you can’t understand.  That is why I say, “Trust Me!”….Although you cannot see Me, My Presence with you is rock-solid reality.  Find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you.’
–Jesus Today by Sarah Young

In all the moments of your life, God is taking care of you.  Let that comfort you when you are clouded with doubt so that your heart and mind become as clear as a starlit morning, enveloped in His love.

 

 

 

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Lost and Found

Sometimes I feel lost.

From an early age, I had control of my future. I knew early on that I wanted to be a teacher. I became a teacher right after graduating from college and after more than ten years of teaching, I knew I wanted to get my Masters Degree and become a principal. I got my Masters Degree and then, suddenly, I lost control of the direction of my life. Suddenly, my life took a turn I was not planning or expecting. Suddenly, I was far away from family in a new state, in a new school, doing a job that I had not planned on doing. Now, going on five years later, I am still at that school, still at the job I had never envisioned myself doing. There are things about it that I like, but there are things about it I don’t like as well. Often times, I get the feeling that my job has little purpose…or rather, that I have little purpose in the job I am doing. I have prayed and prayed that God show me what He wants me to do and the scariest part is, when I think about what I would want to do, for the first time in my life, I have no idea…I have no direction…I have no plan. Nothing sounds exciting, nothing ignites a fire. I often times just feel lost.

Last night, as I fell asleep, I remember asking St. Anthony to help me find myself. He is the finder of lost things and I felt as though I had lost…myself. Who was I? What was my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? As I drifted off to sleep, I just kept repeating, “Help me find myself”.

I’m sure everyone, at some point, has these feelings of being lost. But this is scary to me. I think it’s because I have never lived feeling lost. I have always had a purpose, a goal, a plan. I was always in control. I know that God is teaching me to give up my control and give it to Him, to trust in His plan for me–in my heart I know that. But after five years, you’d think He would start showing me what that plan is–or at least give me a glimpse. But no, I am exactly where I was five years ago–still searching, still wondering…still lost.

Today in Adoration, I told him how lost I felt. I prayed that He would show me the way. I prayed for a long time. Then I decided to spend a few minutes reading a book that I’ve been reading during Adoration, but had not read in the last 2 weeks. I picked up where I had left off in the book and here is what I read today:

“I find that when we’re willing to serve like Jesus did–while we’re on the way–divine appointments…start popping up everywhere.  And if we’ll take the time to stop and listen, we may find our destination, even when we thought we were lost.” (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver) 

And, “When we surrender ourselves to be used by God, we don’t always get to pick the time, the method, or the place of ministry.  In fact, sometimes, we find ourselves doing nothing at all–except praying and waiting for God’s leading.”  (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver).

And finally, “…the key is not in our activity, but in our receptivity to God’s voice–and in our willingness to be used in whatever ways he brings to our attention.  When we bring to him our willingness to serve, he’ll always, eventually, point us toward something we can do for him.  And that task will always have something to do with love.” (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver).

It is no coincidence that this was the section of the book I was on today.  God knew that I needed to hear these words–that I needed reassurance that, while I may feel lost, God has not lost sight of me.  

This is the journey I am on and while I may not understand it or have any control over where it will take me, He does.  Maybe, when we have so much control over the direction of our life, God needs us to lose all control so that we can find Him.  I am always looking for the destination, but  maybe God is trying to teach me that it is what we do on the journey that matters. 

Wherever we are on our journey, we have an opportunity to serve God.   And while we may not know where the road will take us, maybe what really matters is just knowing that we are on the road with Him. 

And He knows where He’s going.