Sometimes I feel lost.
From an early age, I had control of my future. I knew early on that I wanted to be a teacher. I became a teacher right after graduating from college and after more than ten years of teaching, I knew I wanted to get my Masters Degree and become a principal. I got my Masters Degree and then, suddenly, I lost control of the direction of my life. Suddenly, my life took a turn I was not planning or expecting. Suddenly, I was far away from family in a new state, in a new school, doing a job that I had not planned on doing. Now, going on five years later, I am still at that school, still at the job I had never envisioned myself doing. There are things about it that I like, but there are things about it I don’t like as well. Often times, I get the feeling that my job has little purpose…or rather, that I have little purpose in the job I am doing. I have prayed and prayed that God show me what He wants me to do and the scariest part is, when I think about what I would want to do, for the first time in my life, I have no idea…I have no direction…I have no plan. Nothing sounds exciting, nothing ignites a fire. I often times just feel lost.
Last night, as I fell asleep, I remember asking St. Anthony to help me find myself. He is the finder of lost things and I felt as though I had lost…myself. Who was I? What was my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? As I drifted off to sleep, I just kept repeating, “Help me find myself”.
I’m sure everyone, at some point, has these feelings of being lost. But this is scary to me. I think it’s because I have never lived feeling lost. I have always had a purpose, a goal, a plan. I was always in control. I know that God is teaching me to give up my control and give it to Him, to trust in His plan for me–in my heart I know that. But after five years, you’d think He would start showing me what that plan is–or at least give me a glimpse. But no, I am exactly where I was five years ago–still searching, still wondering…still lost.
Today in Adoration, I told him how lost I felt. I prayed that He would show me the way. I prayed for a long time. Then I decided to spend a few minutes reading a book that I’ve been reading during Adoration, but had not read in the last 2 weeks. I picked up where I had left off in the book and here is what I read today:
“I find that when we’re willing to serve like Jesus did–while we’re on the way–divine appointments…start popping up everywhere. And if we’ll take the time to stop and listen, we may find our destination, even when we thought we were lost.” (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver)
And, “When we surrender ourselves to be used by God, we don’t always get to pick the time, the method, or the place of ministry. In fact, sometimes, we find ourselves doing nothing at all–except praying and waiting for God’s leading.” (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver).
And finally, “…the key is not in our activity, but in our receptivity to God’s voice–and in our willingness to be used in whatever ways he brings to our attention. When we bring to him our willingness to serve, he’ll always, eventually, point us toward something we can do for him. And that task will always have something to do with love.” (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver).
It is no coincidence that this was the section of the book I was on today. God knew that I needed to hear these words–that I needed reassurance that, while I may feel lost, God has not lost sight of me.
This is the journey I am on and while I may not understand it or have any control over where it will take me, He does. Maybe, when we have so much control over the direction of our life, God needs us to lose all control so that we can find Him. I am always looking for the destination, but maybe God is trying to teach me that it is what we do on the journey that matters.
Wherever we are on our journey, we have an opportunity to serve God. And while we may not know where the road will take us, maybe what really matters is just knowing that we are on the road with Him.
And He knows where He’s going.